Finding someone who’s interested in monogamy may actually be more of a challenge in dating than your age is, because poly people are so heavily concentrated in the goth scene and other alternative subcultures
I’ve been happily involved in the goth/industrial scene for about 20 years now. I know many other goth/rivethead types in their 30s and 40s, and a few in their 50s. Jillian Venters, author of Gothic Charm School, is in her early 40s and going strong – and brilliantly so, if you ask me. Jared Louche of Chemlab makes no secret of the fact that he’s 50.
So you needn’t worry about your age. Pay no mind to people who think your interest in things spooky and morbid is little more than an extended adolescent phase, and people who think you won’t be able to date within the goth/industrial subculture just because you’re in your 40s. For some of us, «goth» is a hell of a lot more than a high school stereotype; among other things, it’s also a lifestyle, a passion for music, an aesthetic, an appreciation of dark themes in art and literature, a taste for the dramatic in fashion and home decor, a live-and-let-live attitude toward variation and diversity in human sexuality. and on and on. There’s nothing wrong with any of that; in fact, age and maturity can actually deepen your appreciation for it.
So I think the advice to take a closer look at women who may seem outwardly normal but may secretly want to «let their freak flag fly» (as delmoi so aptly put it) is also good. Just this week, in fact, I met an attractive single man who hardly ever wears black and would never be identified as «one of us» upon first glance, but whose musical tastes and other sensibilities, it turns out, are remarkably compatible with mine. Quite a pleasant surprise. So I’d say be clear about what you want. and make sure to keep an open mind at the same time, as it may not arrive in the package you might expect.
I’m not in a relationship, and not seriously dating anyone, but I’m definitely having more fun and seem to be attracting at least a bit of flirtatious/romantic interest
I like browolf’s approach. I will tell you that one of the best things I have done in recent months to improve my social life https://hookupapp.org/, and therefore my dating prospects, is to revive my long-dormant Facebook account and use it to actively get to know other middle-aged eccentric and artsy people in my city. I go out to clubs and concerts as frequently as possible, take photos of bands and people on my friends list, and then post those photos to Facebook where my whole network can see them and comment on them. I post frequently about my music listening habits, and comment on the posts of others with similar tastes in a way that encourages further discussion. I also actively encourage my friends to introduce me to their other friends, both on Facebook and in person.
Using this approach (along with exercising a certain measure of patience and discernment), I have met a LOT of new gothy/artsy types – several of whom are single, middle-aged, and attractive – in the past six months. There’s been a bit of flirting, a few attempts from friends to fix me up with their single friends, and even a couple of dates. That’s quite a bit of success for an introvert like me!
If you’re in a city with a fairly sizable goth scene, I’ll bet you can do the same. If you’re in SF as mentioned earlier in this thread, I’m sure you know there is a large goth scene there. Take advantage of it. Do some networking! Organize a meetup! Ask your friends to introduce you around! You can also link your dating profile from your Facebook account and other sites, so that interested people can check it out. You could also try Gothic Personals. (That site is kind of clunky and could use a redesign, but at least it’s free, and it’s run by someone who’s actually involved in the goth scene). If you have a profile on a music site like or ReverbNation and spend some time fleshing it out so it reflects your tastes, you can use that as a kind of supplement. Sometimes music sites can lead you to other cool people in your local area who share your musical tastes but with whom you might not cross paths at the clubs and shows.